august 29, 1997 8:10 PM i still remember that night when i told myself that it would be the last time i’ll be crying in front on my mom and my sister… and that was the night my dad died.
i guess every first born kid, be it a boy or a girl, that person has the tendency and the will to appear emotionally strong in front of other people. it wasn’t easy… coz it wasnt completely… REAL. it doesnt mean that you’re actually weak if you cry OR you are strong if you don’t cry OR you are JUST pretending to be strong… it’s not real in the sense that you conceal from others how you really feel because you dont want to cause more grief to other people because of how you feel. you try not to cry and you try to give a smile when everyone or someone is around BUT when there’s no one else but yourself, when silence is your only companion, you’ll suddenly feel the loneliest and slowest heartbeat, you will shed the bitterest tears, feel the coldest moment, and you can’t stop these because you have been keeping them bottled up inside. it just won’t stop… Until you fall asleep. worse thing is, the next morning you will do the same thing. And i, have been doing this for 16 years now… well, not every night but i cry the most during special occasions or during the worst days of my life. i have always wondered how it feels if i still had my dad with me. when i was younger.. my sister, my mom and i were invited to attend a “family encounter” you know church thing… Every other family had a mother, a father and kids EXCEPT my family. It was going well until they had games. One game needed to have the dad dressed up with newspapers. IT WAS THE FUCKING HARDEST TIME I had to control my tears (oh fuck im crying right now)… It was like we were disqualified because dad wasnt there. I was fucking envious of the other kids. They were really having fun and my family had to watch them. Ive felt then, even without my mom nor my sister say anything… I knew, they wanted to step out and cry. Ive felt really sorry for my family. It was like superrr awkward being there. Like an odd one out OR maybe an ink blot on a white shirt… we shouldnt be there. And yes, i didnt cry even if my heart was crushing inside, it was not fun. i wished i had dad with us at that moment.
i have always wondered if those two EXes ive had would have not dared break my heart if dad was still alive. those previous heartaches, i have always talked to my dad, i have asked him to visit those guys in their sleep and frighten them for breaking my heart (lol), crazy i know. but maybe if dad is still around, i wouldnt need him to avenge for me… all i need is to to have him around, and it would be easier for me to accept and believe that there are still nice guys in this world, like my dad, who will find me and would want to be with someone like me. And then maybe if dad is still around, to share a bucket of beer with him after a break-up would be helpful. :p
and today, the day that i cry most each year… The day that we have been with him for the last time… I wil never ever forget… that moment i saw him leave us. The day i have wished that the cab we were riding on our way home from the hospital, would crash and kill us all so we’ll be all together forever… Is also the day, i knew i had to let him go. I had to understand that day freed him from the pain he was dealing with. the day i had to understand that if he had another way, he would not choose to leave us… He would want to be beside us… EACH.AND.EVERY.DAY. especially those times we need more of him. He would rather be there BUT he couldnt, it was his time.
I know that everytime i cry, he sees me from where he is now, and maybe it hurts him, but it’s not what i what him to think… I cry because i miss him not because i blame him for not being around… I cry because i know he will always be around and he’ll be waiting until the day all of us we’ll be together again…
i love you papa.